Nearly every organization will deal with high-conflict personalities, author says

                                          Bill Eddy, center, is flanked by Katrina VanderWoude,
                                          Grossmont College's vice president for academic affairs
                                          and Debbie Yaddow, dean of Allied Nursing and Health.

EL CAJON – People in any large organization, whether in private business or the public sector, are likely to encounter  five different types of “high-conflict personalities,” attorney and author Bill Eddy said recently during a seminar with some of Grossmont College’s top administrators. 

About 21 percent of Americans have personality disorders, some of whom engage in “high-conflict behavior,” especially those who are described as “narcissistic, borderline, paranoid, antisocial or histrionic,” according to Eddy. He said that their incidence in the American population has been growing generation by generation.  There are three theories for why this may be so, he said in a meeting earlier this week with the Grossmont College administrators. 

One theory suggests they are more prevalent in younger generations because people become more mellow as they grow older, but there is little evidence to support this claim, said Eddy.  Another is that people with high-conflict personalities tend to die younger, perhaps through violence, or through unsuccessful coping behaviors such as drug use.   The third theory, which Eddy favors, is that more and more children in the United States are being raised with a sense of entitlement, having been taught that they are too special, and exposure to more and more extreme behaviors by role models in the popular culture.

He characterized narcissistic personalities as those of people who are demanding, demeaning of others,  and self-absorbed.  Their self-assessment is “I’m very superior.”   The borderline personality is one that hovers between neurosis and psychosis.  One minute that person may “love you” and the next “hate you.”  They can be “overly friendly” and “then angry” with “sudden mood swings.”

Typical of people with “paranoid” personalities is the feeling that “you’ll betray me.”  Such people are suspicious and expect conspiracies.  They will counter-attack first, Eddy said.  Those who are “con artists” break rules and laws, are deceptive and enjoy hurting others, he said.  The “histrionic” personalities are “superficial” and “helpless.”  They tend to exaggerate, and want always to be the “center of attention.”  But Eddy points out that you should never tell someone that you think he or she has a personality disorder.

Whichever personality disorder they have, high-conflict personalities have some common characteristics, according to Eddy, founder of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego and author of the book, in English and Spanish versions,  It’s All Your Fault: 12 Tips for Man aging People Who Blame Others For Everything.

High-conflict personalities often engage in all-or-nothing thinking. They have unmanaged emotions, extreme behaviors and they blame others, Eddy told the Grossmont  administrators.

High-conflict people “tend to see conflicts in terms of one simple solution rather than taking time to analyze the situation, hear different points of view and consider several possible solutions,” he said.  “Compromise and flexibility seem impossible to them, as though they could not survive if things did not turn out absolutely their way.”

Furthermore, they “tend to become very emotional about their points of view and often catch everyone else by surprise with their intense fear, anger, yelling or disrespect for those nearby or receiving their comments over the Internet.”  They may engage in extreme behavior such as “shoving or hitting, spreading rumors or outright lies, trying to have obsessive contact and keep track of your every move, or refusing any contact at all.”   They may with great intensity blame “those closest to them or in authority positions over them.”

While Eddy most often deals with people involved in legal cases – as high-conflict personalities tend to be quite litigious—he said he has found that no type of organization is immune from having to deal with people displaying such characteristics.

What advice does he have for people who are confronted by people with high-conflict personalities?

Eddy responded that people should listen to their complaints with “empathy, attention and respect” a combination for which he uses the acronym E.A.R.  

“Let’s say that someone verbally attacks you for not returning a phone call as quickly as he or she would have liked,” Eddy said.  In reply to accusations that “you’re not doing your job,” an E.A.R. response would first indicate empathy, “Wow, I can hear how upset you are!”  Next an E.A.R. response would demonstrate that the listener is paying attention.  “Tell me what’s going on.”  Additionally, the E.A.R listener would show respect for the complainant: “I share your concerns about this problem and respect your efforts to solve it.”

In printed material that may be acquired via the website www.highconflictinstitute.com , Eddy said “getting attention is one of the most important concerns of high-conflict people.  They often feel ignored or disrespected and get into conflicts as a way of getting attention from those around them. Many have a history of alienating the people around them, so they look to others –professionals, friends and new acquaintances—to give them attention. Yet they rarely feel satisfied and keep trying to get more attention.  If you show that you are willing to pay full attention for a little while, they often calm down.”

He added that high-conflict people “are used to being rejected, abandoned, insulted, ignored and disrespected by those around them. They are starving for empathy, attention and respect. They are looking for it anywhere they can get it.  So just give it to them. It’s free and you don’t sacrifice anything.  You can still set limits, give bad news, and keep a social or professional distance.”

After the high-conflict person states the problem that is upsetting him or her, an E.A. R. listener should frame a response emphasizing that the complainant has choices to make, according to Eddy:  “You can choose A or B.  If A, here are the consequences for that.  If you choose B, here are the consequences.  It is up to you.” 

“You have to do this with E.A.R. – I would like to help you, but you may not know, if you do this, here is what the rules say,” or “here are the actions that I would be required to take,” said Eddy.  “Speak respectfully: ‘It’s not between you and me, but you and the procedures.  This is what I understand you have to do; here is what the policy says.” 

It’s important with high-conflict people to lay out the rules and to set limits, Eddy said.  -DHH

WOW helps students find their niche at Grossmont College

Photos: Top to bottom: Chelle Aragonez, Frankie Rojas, Sachet Birdsong and Cynthia Nelson, and Sasha Sevostiyanova  (Photos: Stephen Harvey and Donald H. Harrison)


EL CAJON—The acronym of WOW week officially stands for “Week of Welcome” at Grossmont College, but it’s intended to get students to think to themselves, “Wow!  There really is a special place for me here!”

Twenty-eight student clubs and college departments held a fair on Wednesday, Aug. 21, on the Main Quad of Grossmont College to suggest that their programs may be the ones to help the students find their niches in life.  There were clubs devoted to various sports, others to the study of languages, and still others representative of the college’s broad diversity.

Cynthia Nelson was at the table of Umoja, a program that emphasizes African and African-American culture while being open to people of all backgrounds.

Becoming active in the program helped turn her academic outlook around, she said. 
“I went from a 2.4 grade point average and I have a 3.2 now. I am now looking at graduating with honors. That was not something that I looked at before; it wasn’t even a goal of mine before this program…

“I have seen some students in the program graduate who may not have thought that graduation was a possibility; they struggled for a while but they made it.  I’ve seen students who dropped out, and Umoja contacted them, and they came back. They knew they had waiting for them people who really cared.  And that is the big thing: sometimes we slip and fall, but if someone will help us back up, it is that much easier.”

Nelson said she expects to transfer to San Diego State and study to become an elementary school teacher, and later to return for a master’s degree and become a counselor.  She said she wants to follow in the footsteps of Grossmont College Counselor James Canady, who is the coordinator to the Umoja program, which takes its name from the Swahili word for “unity.”

Sachet Birdsong is another Umoja member who credits the program for helping her navigate through college.

Having a group like Umoja, “I feel like if I need something or someone, the help is there ; I am not scared about not knowing where to go,” she said. “Coming here and being the first generation of my family to graduate, it was just a great program for me to fall into and I love it for that, I love it for the unity, just going the extra mile for one another. “

She said she hopes to go on from Grossmont College to become a nurse practitioner.

Representatives of other clubs had similar stories to tell.  For example, Sasha Sevostiyanova, event coordinator for the International Club, said she was uncertain how to behave among Americans after coming to Grossmont College from Harbin, China, where her Russian family resided during her years as a teenager and in her early 20s. 

However, she said, the International Club provides students from around the world as well as interested American students with opportunities to learn about each other and American places and customs.

“We went whale watching last semester and learned a lot about whales, and this semester we will be going to the Birch Aquarium to get to know a lot about marine life,” she said.

Like other international students, she said, she felt that “it’s real hard to find friends in the United States, because it is only on campus or at the workplace you can meet them, but if you are an international student you don’t work.  Plus, I am too shy to meet people, so when you have a place for a club, you can meet friends.”

Among American customs that were puzzling for her: “Smiling people will talk to you at the store and they will ask how your day is going.  No one does that in China or Russia.  People don’t smile.  If they do, you think maybe there is something wrong with them. “

“Another thing is the openness,” said Sevostiyanova.  “In Russia it is not polite to ask someone’s age, but here it is not a big deal.  Here, I am fine with that, but it took a lot of time to get used to the questions you have to answer.”  

Sevostiyanova hopes to transfer to UC Berkeley next year to major in business and finance.

Sonja Ghattas-Soliman, who teaches Arabic, is the advisor to the Arabic Club, which provides Arabic-speaking students an opportunity to converse together in their own language, and also to put on cultural events to inform students about the culture of their countries.

“The Arabic Club’s main objectives consist in sharing its culture,  fostering social interaction, mutual respect, and a  better understanding of the peoples of the Arab World," she said.

Herself an immigrant from Egypt, Ghattas-Soliman said club members enjoy preparing Middle Eastern food for fellow students to sample, and to demonstrate other aspects of Arab culture.

For example, she said, students enacted an Arab wedding on the Main Quad, with female spectators  trilling their tongues in a traditional expression of congratulations.

At a nearby booth Chelle Aragonez, a recent Grossmont College alumna told students about the Forgiven Christian Club, which is advised by Gospel Choir Director Ken Anderson. It is one of three Christian Clubs on the campus—“the more the merrier” –but joyful song is Forgiven Christians’ particular feature.

“We will always have music,” she said.  “We will definitely have an event to sing to people, and maybe another at the beach where we will have a bonfire and invite people out.   It is really just to foster community and make people feel that they have a safe place to be where they can be free, and connected, and not just float through college.”

Music of another kind was occurring as Aragonez was being interviewed.  Dance instructors David Mullen and Nancy Boskin-Mullen, husband and wife, were introducing students to the steps of salsa and later to some classic rock n’ roll dances.

Frankie Rojas, vice president of the Student Veteran Organization, said his group knows that the transition from the military to civilian life can be difficult “so we are trying to create some camaraderie so people can meet each other and see familiar faces, and not just be walking around the campus.”

The club engages in volunteer activities and plans to resume a Friday afternoon art project on campus.  Last year, veterans engaged in making ceramic pots under the guidance of Art Technician Al Ventura, and it proved a popular activity.

Rojas said that “a veteran is probably a bit more focused than a regular student because we probably have different priorities.  I would say that a majority of veterans are more responsible because they have more riding on their shoulders.  And when you see veterans in groups, even if they don’t want the responsibility, they will assume leadership roles for the good of the group.”  

Furthermore, said Rojas, veterans don’t dawdle in their studies.  “They  want to get in and out.”

Reflecting on her own college experiences, Sara Glasgow, who is the Interim Associate Dean of Student Activities, said she was the first member of her family to go to college, and at first she felt totally lost.   I didn’t know how to register for class or anything at Drake University in Iowa.  When I started my first semester, my parents said, ‘we wish we could help you but we don’t know what to say.’”

Glasgow said she became involved in student activities, and “suddenly I had a network, people I could talk to, and that is the whole reason that I stayed in school.  I had faculty I could reach out to – a support system.”

When students become engaged in Grossmont College activities, she added, “you feel like you matter, and you do matter.  People will notice if you are not in class.  People feel that you can make a difference and you do make a difference.”

Glasgow said she went on to obtain a law degree at Gonzaga University, but without the confidence she gained through student activities, “I wouldn’t have had the tools to do that.”

So finding pathways for students at Grossmont College is “personal to me; I do see a difference for students.  When they can check in and feel that they are engaged and have a place on campus, and that they matter and they can shape policy and be a part of what is happening, and shape activities and the tone of the campus, that is powerful.”  --DHH

Sheriff's volunteers ease first-week traffic

top: Richard Rafter, bottom Don Stokes (photos: Stephen Harvey)

EL CAJON – As assignments go, traffic duty for the opening week of classes at Grossmont College was fairly routine for members of the Sheriff’s Senior Volunteer Patrol (SVP), and that was just how officials at the college hoped it would be.

With new students unsure of where they should park, and parents and friends dropping other students off at various locations on the road that skirts the perimeter of the campus, traffic can sometime get quite gnarled.  Having uniformed volunteers there to direct cars, and help pedestrians cross, made for a smooth first week.

“It hasn’t been rough at all,” said Sheriff’s Lt. Jose Sanchez, who commands the force of Sheriff’s deputies assigned to the Grossmont-Cuyamaca Community College District, and who also was able to call in the SVP members as additional resources.

“I think it has been awesome,” said Sanchez.  “We have received accolades from students and staff about how great a job they have been doing.”

Among those directing traffic on Thursday, August 22, was Richard Rafter, who has been volunteering since 1993 for the Sheriff’s Department.  Previously he worked as a commercial chemist with responsibility for liaising with the federal Food and Drug Administration.

“I read an ad in the paper that they were looking for volunteers, and I’m one of those people who love to be busy all the time, and I said, ‘Why not?’ and that is how it started.”

Among his more memorable assignments as a volunteer have been “when we go out and look for people with special needs or lost children,” he said.  “You always feel good when you are part of the team that finds them safe.    We also go out on major disasters like fires, and things like that, and we evacuate people from their homes, out of harm’s way.”

Additionally, he said, “we also have the YANA program, which stands for ‘You Are Not Alone.’  It is a program that the Sheriff’s Department offers for free to home-bound seniors and other people who can’t get out as much.  We give them a phone call every day, and one lady who we called in the morning didn’t answer, so we went out there. She had slipped in the bathtub and couldn’t get out.  She had spent the night in the bathtub.  She was very appreciative that we were there, and that the fire department got her out.”

Don Stokes, a three-year member of SVP, was another volunteer on Thursday morning.  He is retired from the Navy where, in association with the San Diego Community College district, he had taught sailors at Naval Training Center how to be instructors in their specialized fields.  Later, he performed a similar job with a private company in the Port Hueneme area.

One day while driving on Woodside Avenue in Santee he saw that a tree had fallen and that members of the Senior Volunteer Patrol were directing traffic around it.  “I thought that looked like something interesting, so I investigated it, got training at the Academy, and I am happy.”

Besides traffic control, he said, he often patrols parking lots. “We look for broken glass indicating a break-in.  We look for animals or children locked in cars, and we look for illegal parkers.”

The Grossmont College traffic assignment was easy duty, he said.  “There were no major incidents. We had a bunch of people trying to find parking spaces and we had to tell them to keep circulating.”

Commented Tim Flood, Grossmont College’s Vice President for Administrative Services: “This was the smoothest traffic ingress and egress that I have witnessed for many, many years.  The sheriffs in coordination with the Senior Volunteer Patrol and our Campus and Parking Service (CAPS) have done a wonderful job.”

-DHH-

How about a 6-course gourmet dinner and a concert or a play?

EL CAJON –Ahhh!  What better way to spend a Thursday evening out than with a gourmet dinner, followed by a concert or a play?

The Culinary Arts Department of Grossmont College is collaborating with the Theatre Arts Department and with the Music Department to produce just such experiences on campus. 

It is not only patrons who are gratified by such culturally stimulating evenings, says Steve Baker, dean of arts, humanities, languages and communications.

“This is important for our students because when they graduate and go to work in their fields, most of them are going to be working in hotels, resorts,  restaurants and theatres that regularly do combine events and dinner,” he said. “So we are trying to re-create the exact kinds of conditions here that they will find in the work place.”

Chef Joe Orate, an award-winning chef who joined the Grossmont College faculty following a successful career at some of San Diego’s major hotels, said that synergistic relationships develop among the students and faculty of the three departments as a result of the collaborations.

The six-course dinners  are designed to prepare the culinary arts students for careers as chefs in San Diego’s fine restaurants, upscale food operations, large venues and major hotels.  The dinners culminate with dessert courses taught by Pastry Chef James Foran, who has served as executive pastry chef at such upscale restaurants as Arterra, and Market.

Dr. Christina Tafoya, Dean of Career Technical Education & Workforce Development, comments : “We are so pleased to be able to serve our students and our community by offering these truly enjoyable experiences of a gourmet dinner and show or concert.  Grossmont College thrives by creating these win-win situations.” She went on to add, “Plus, the dinners are quite delicious! The gourmet desserts are my favorite.”

Following is the fee schedule of dinners, shows and concerts.  The dinners will be held at 5:15 p.m. Thursdays in Room 177 of Griffin Center (Building 60) followed by concerts in Room 180, also known as Griffin Gate  Plays will be presented in the Stagehouse Theatre, Building 21. 

September  12 – Dinner only-$20

September 19 – Dinner and  6:45 p.m. “American Classical Jazz, by Grossmont College’s jazz ensemble,” $30 package

September 26 – Dinner only- $20

October 3 – Dinner and “Pygmalion,” curtain at 7:30 p.m., $32 package

October 10—Dinner and “Pygmalion,” curtain at 7:30 p.m., $32 package

October 17 – Dinner only - $20

October 24 – Dinner and “Exotic Island Beats” with 6:45 p.m. performance of Afro-Cuban Combo,  $30 package

October 31 – Dinner only - $20

November 7 –Dinner and 6:45 p.m. “Classical Composers” concert of Grossmont Classical Ensemble, $30 package

November 14 --  Dinner and 7:30 p.m. performance of “To Gillian on her 37th Birthday,” $32 package

November 21—Dinner and 7:30 p.m. performance of “To Gillian on her 37th Birthday,” $32 package.

Packages may be ordered at the Grossmont College Theater Box Office at Building 22, or by phoning (619) 644-7267.  The college accepts all major credit cards.

-DHH-

Cancer Survivor’s Exhibit Pictures Life as a Fragile Vessel

    Stephanie Bedwell at Hyde Art Gallery

EL CAJON, California – Art instructor Stephanie Bedwell has been sculpting new forms in the two years since she underwent a lumpectomy for breast cancer.  Her current exhibit at the Hyde Art Gallery on the Grossmont College campus offers boat forms, woven from various materials, as metaphors for the fragile vessel that is human life.

Her exhibit, which will remain on view through September 12, has been linked to the campus-wide study of Siddhartha Mukherjee’s Pulitzer Prize winning The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer.  Faculty members from various academic disciplines, including Bedwell, will discuss different aspects of cancer in a lecture series that will overlap the Fall 2013 and Spring 2014 semesters.

“The whole notion of cancer is traumatizing to you unless you find some way to order it, and for me it became a catalyst for change. I got educated about nutrition, and really committed to healthy eating, exercising and stress reduction. … The cancer wasn’t a pleasant experience, but it was a life-altering experience.  I am in a better place than I was before cancer.  It was an opportunity to let everything that is meaningless fall away.”

The boats in her exhibit are “metaphors for some idea of vulnerability, that as we travel through life whether we like it or not, we need to make peace with our temporal nature,” said Bedwell.  “One of the themes that pervades my work is the idea that life isn’t going to end well for anybody – we all die – so how do we live with that vulnerability?   How do you navigate that?   And that is part of the boat idea – how do we navigate this life in such a fragile vessel?”

None of her boats could survive a sea journey, as they are all woven in such a fashion that water could readily penetrate them.   One large sculpture depicts a decaying shipwreck, but rising from it is “this little rickety ladder, and ladders always tend to lead up,” Bedwell said.  “For me it is connecting to my spirituality, connecting to my soul, connecting to that part of me that isn’t in the material world.”

Boats are laden with symbolism in Bedwell’s life.  “My father drowned in a boat,” she said.  “And my husband has had boats all his life.  He has three kayaks and three canoes and then I store my boats in them, much to his dismay.”

Visitors to the gallery will notice that the boats are constructed from “materials gleaned from nature, and bound together with fabric or yarn. I love the process of binding, which is some ways is a metaphor for me. When I bind things together to create a sturdy structure, it feels like I am making something whole.”

Bedwell pointed out that her materials are neither high tech nor costly.  “These are things that I find around anywhere, gather, or am given. This is why this show is titled ‘From This Place,’ because it is from this place on, it is from this place right now.  I look around, see what is grist for my mill, and see what I can use.”

For example, one sculpture utilizes branches gathered from a campground in the Sierras; another utilizes bones that she harvested from a dolphin carcass, and yet another incorporates shale from the White Mountains.   When her son was getting rid of his old Yamaha organ, she disassembled it, and used some of its interior parts.

“I thought, ‘Oh my God, this is so cool;’ I love to find beauty in things that are dismissed,” Bedwell said.  “There is a kind of alchemy for me when I take something that has been thrown away, or tossed, or not considered, and make it into something beautiful.”

Bedwell also utilizes imperfection in her creations, knitting that has suddenly become unraveled, and even a pile of cat hair left on a table by mistake.  “I am an equal-opportunity user,” she said. 

One exhibit box is filled with hearts of various descriptions – “this one with thorns is when we push people away, and the one with holes and burn marks has been through a lot… and I love the idea of imbuing body parts with meaning, message or metaphor.”    

Another box is filled with still little birds – “canaries in coal mines that have been mummified, and bones, and sprouts, so it is like the cycle of life.”

In addition to these subjects, several of Bedwell’s sculptures are of bees.  She explains: “I have been upset about colony collapse.  Having had breast cancer, I’ve gotten to really read a lot about nutrition and environment.   We’re not taking care of ourselves and we are also not taking care of the environment.”

One bee is decoupaged in old maps, covered in beeswax, and has landed on a chunk of asphalt that Bedwell found when workers were digging up her street.  “We are messing up the bees’ navigation with pesticides, and that is why he needs a map all the time,” the artist commented.

While creating her sculptures, “I am not using any materials that are toxic anymore—for example I don’t use resins, and I am careful about the paints that I use.”

Accordingly, one of her pieces “was dyed with turmeric, which is a cancer fighter.  I just love that idea.  I put turmeric in my juice every day, so instead of being dyed with something that is toxic, it is dyed with something that is healing.”

-DHH-

Two College Presidents to Dramatically Read Edgar Allan Poe-try

EL CAJON -- The presidents of sister colleges in the Grossmont-Cuyamaca Community College District will be among the performers in a pair of staged readings of the poetry of Edgar Allan Poe at 7:30 p.m. Friday, September 6, and Saturday, September 7, in Room 220 of Building 26 on the Grossmont College campus.

Presidents Mark J. Zacovic of Cuyamaca College and Sunita V. Cooke of Grossmont College will read some Poe poems that have held them in their thrall since their childhoods.

"I remember sitting in rapt attention at the feet of my fourth-grade teacher, Mrs. Fretz, as she read 'The Tell-Tale Heart' to the class after rest time," reminisced Zacovic.

"I've loved Edgar Allan Poe ever since I was a little kid," commented Cooke.  "I would read the short stories and the poems and when I was younger the Radio Theatre would feature them.  Sometimes my parents would be coming back from an event to which the whole family had gone and the Edgar Allan Poe story wouldn't be over yet.  So I would sit in the dark in the car with all the doors locked, listening to Edgar Allan Poe Radio Theatre."

Cooke said that she was an elementary school student in Missouri when she learned to love such poems as "Annabel Lee" and "The Raven."  She added that some years ago when her own son, Dillon, was in middle school, she read Poe’s poems to him.

Another reader will be Agustin Albarran, Grossmont College’s dean of English, Social and Behavioral Sciences.  He recalled that when he was a teenager, “we would go to the North Park Theatre and see movies like The Conqueror Worm with Vincent Price and be horrified--even though we knew it wasn't real. But when I saw the words of 'The Tell-Tale Heart' on paper, I could really imagine the fear that this individual had in his mind. To this day I still have the image of him pulling up the planks of the floor board and seeing the dismembered bodies, with the heart. I think Poe was telling us that things that are on your mind just don't go away.”

Other Grossmont College cast members in the 90-minute program include Kurt Brauer, interim grounds and maintenance supervisor; theatre arts instructor Jeannette Thomas; Manny Lopez, theatre design production technician; Adam Weiner, an alumnus who suggested the Poe evenings; communications professor Joel Castellaw; and alumnus Aaron Duggan and student Derek San Filippo.

Tickets for either night's performance are $20 for general admission and $10 for students, with proceeds supporting the programs of Grossmont College's theatre arts department.  More information may be obtained at the Stagehouse Theatre box office in Building 22A on the Grossmont College campus, or by phoning (619)-644-7234. 

-DHH-